Hillbilly Jokes

"Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time !!!!!!!"

Hillbilly Jokes August

Speaking of Diets
Next time someone asks you a dumb question, wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a** and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! The lady behind him was crying as she laughed.
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.   That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old  man's  surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.   Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and  he sees the boy walk by carrying carrying something kind of around in! his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, ! whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks". Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset ! the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck  tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"Boy says "It's a pussy willow.  Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."

SOMEONE IS DAMN-SURE GONNA DIE!

     When I get out!

No sir officer, we've just been fishing...
 

 
2,000 HP Outboard Inflatable...

Here's the latest drug runner toy from Europe...  
This thing belts across the English channel 3 times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard. They were so astonished by the speed of the unknown craft, they brought in a special high speed helicopter to chase it. Drugs were found on board. Of course, you'd have to be on drugs to put the throttle down on this rig.

The Three Stages Of A Man's Life



SINGLE




MARRIED




DIVORCED



ANY QUESTIONS?

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????


After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
  She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.
'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed
 red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'????? ?'
This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year.
 We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.'

Hillbilly Jokes June

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KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)



Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.  Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote...

Hillbilly Jokes March

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks

down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior, 'I

thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with

my brother.We try to play golf as often as we can.You know

I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I

take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took

the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.

'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a

monster, 520 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden

green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it.The sweetest

swing I ever made.And it's flying straight and true, right along

the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards

off the tee!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother.'How unfortunate!But

surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still

trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the

woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the

Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.'And I was so

proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether

this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and

grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his
paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished,

'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel

started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the

green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18

inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms

across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f@cking putt, didn't you?'

Hillbilly Jokes November

argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.   -Anonymous

Hillbilly Update

You Might be a Hillbilly if...
A little rain doesn't spoil the fishing

You need fashion tips from your husband...

You wear a shirt like this for your engagement picture

Your wedding picture looked like this...

And your wedding cake looked like this...

Yo ur mailbox looks like this...

Your doghouse looks like this...



Your pickup looks like this...



You have a deer's butt for a door bell...



You don't need a lake to do a little skiing...



Or if your wife is quoted in the local paper saying...

THE DUMBEST GUY ON EARTH!

This picture is real - not doctored in any way - and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber.  When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures.

The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust.  The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load!  Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed.

The materials were loaded at Home Depot.  Their store manager said they made the customer sign a waiver.  While the plywood and2X4's are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains - are you ready for this? - 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each.  They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs.  Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the rear shocks were driven through the floorboard.

And these people VOTE!!!  (This explains a lot about the state of the country...............)

We're off to see the Wizard!

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado....
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City ...

...and went to find the Great Wizard

"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:

"I've come for some courage."


" No Problem! said the Wizard. Who's next?"


Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said:

"Well, I think I need a heart"

"Done! says the Wizard."

"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said,